Like Twitter, but less convenient
September 3, 2010
Ruth Bader Ginsburg is a rockstar. (Take note Sandra Day O’Conor, you quitter.)
August 23, 2010
“[Donna Karan’s] coordinated wrap style blouse had Buddhist monk overtones. She wore gladiator style sandals and was oblivious to both the rain and the puddles outside her store…Her feet got wet and she didn’t care as she achieved her own Zen moment.” *Vomit* All this party needed was Elizabeth Gilbert playing a tibetan singing bowl to make it my Orientalist hell on earth. Edward Said, hold me.
August 20, 2010
Show me where he touched them on the My Little Pony Doll.
August 18, 2010
“That’s not hot — that’s a goddamn Cialis commercial.” A.J. Daulerio, are you one of those guys who had to become funny because you’re not good looking? If not, I’d like to be your friend.
August 9, 2010
Caught terrible case of the giggles this afternoon. It started with this. Which led me to this. Ten minutes later I had to excuse myself and attempt to walk it off. David Thorne, you are an evil genius.
August 6, 2010
Item #2 on Jana’s Holiday Gift Wish List. Item #1 is, obviously, an ice cream maker.
August 2, 2010
Why does Representative Ryan look like he’s debating this woman on whether or not he’s allowed to take her daughter to the 8th grade dance? Is it the hair? Or is his tie too short? Oh, he’s also got a plan to get rid of the federal debt. I didn’t read about it. Too busy thinking about how cool I was in 8th grade. [Cue: Daydream sequence.]
July 30, 2010
This ruling says to me, “No; you can’t make yourself vomit on a young girl without there being serious consequences. Even if she is a Phillies fan. Which is inherently a worse fate than intentionally being vomited on.” Fine. That last part is my personal flourish.
July 14, 2010
*TEAR* “Friday Night Lights” is just so good. It’s just…I can’t even talk about it without getting misty.
July 13, 2010
And to think it all started with a slow motion shot of junk hydraulically bouncing under a pair of Dark Side of the Moon boxers. Now Die Antwoord’s next level shit has gone mainstream.
July 12, 2010
The funnest game since Word Bubbles. Much love to my former person-in-the-next-cube for passing this along to me. He is actually a genius. Whereas I only play one on T.V.
June 29, 2010
I want a discombobulated baby raccoon!
June 17, 2010
In honor of Game 7 tonight, I think Zaza Pachulia said it best. Game Seven, baby! Game Seven! G A M E S E V E N!
June 15, 2010
General Petraeus, I saw the movie “Dave”. I’m so on to you.
June 9, 2010
Allow me to drive a stake through the heart of your productivity. I give you…WORD BUBBLES!
June 3, 2010
Is Vice President Biden punching Cookie Monster in the second photo? Or is he terrorist fist bumping him? Either way, it’s concerning.
June 1, 2010
To celebrate her newly single status, Tipper is totally lighting a tire bonfire and going whale hunting with her girlfriends.
May 29, 2010
Why are Indians so awesome?
May 27, 2010
Calling it “special time” creeps me out.
May 26, 2010
A truly stunning commencement speech. (This is my friend’s older brother. Starting around 1:02:00 allow him to astound you.)
May 25, 2010
Privileged white men stealing things. **Shudder**
May 20, 2010
Dear Congress, I have an idea: Fill a bunch of bathtubs with various types of “mildly toxic” chemical dispersants. Then tell the heads of BP and the EPA to climb into the tub of their choice and splash around for five minutes. Something tells me they’ll be really scientific and careful before making that decision.
May 19, 2010
“Outsourced” is a comedy where the Midwest meets the exotic East in a hilarious culture clash. *Groan**EYE ROLL!**Groan* On the bright side, at least these brown actors don’t have to play terrorists on “24″.
May 18, 2010
I imagine the alternative name for this site is “Reasons I Should Have Had The Abortion”.
May 13, 2010
Phillies Accused of Stealing Signs Illegally. “Manuel said he did not know anything about it.” In fact, Manuel didn’t even know that he was coaching a baseball game. He thought he was on a field trip from the Shady Acres Retirement Community. In fact, that’s why he’d brought the telescope. He thought they were here to star gaze. That’s what happened.
May 12, 2010
Yet another reason why Jana will raise her children on a farm without electricity, where they will all don homemade tunics fashioned out of potato sacks. I find the video to be deeply disturbing. Ew. EWWWWW!
May 10, 2010
So this NYTimes Vows video warmed my heart. But this Weddings of the Times piece made my day. So my heart is only half wicked. That’s a big improvement.
May 3, 2010
It is always appropriate to taser a Phillies fan. Whether he is running on the field or sitting in the stands, tasering him is the right thing to do.
May 2, 2010
A man who asks to be paid with a bottle of vodka is not be trusted. These wise words have been brought to you by me.
April 28, 2010
Oh, Joe. Lie down, before you hurt yourself.
April 27, 2010
What are the chances that today’s Goldman Sachs hearing ends this way?
April 26, 2010
Dawn made the idea of an oil spill seem way cuter. What? We’re going to need more than a bottle of Dawn to solve this?
April 23, 2010
“GET OFF MY MOUND!” is the new “Get off my plane.” You heard it here first.
April 22, 2010
These could be MY BABIES! Not literally because that would involve some sort of LOST-type time travel, but hypothetically I could create babies that decades from now could battle these quadruplets for control of the universe.
April 21, 2010
Aside from my first born child, what wouldn’t I give for this to be real?
April 20, 2010
“There is no one else on the planet whose shoes I would less like to be in it at the moment.” I can only assume that Paul Saffo, a veteran Silicon Valley forecaster, is speaking in hyperbole.
April 19, 2010
Q: What do you get when you cross a Godfather with an investment banker?
A: Someone who makes you an offer you can’t understand.
It’s upsetting that I not only get the joke, but actually find it to be funny.
April 16, 2010
Phillies fans, you are a delight.
April 15, 2010
THE DREAM! Sigh.
March 31, 2010
“Content-aware fill” is blowing my mind. HOW DOES IT KNOW??? How does it know?
March 28, 2010
Here’s the issue: I don’t think I have a handbag big enough to hold both the children and the bunny that I want to steal. What to do? What to do?
March 10, 2010
My horoscope this week instructs me to cultivate “a desire for an imaginary pet snake that teaches you how to be more playful with your libidinous energy.” Um, gross. I’m blushing. Universe, stop being a perv and help me find some direction in my life that does not involve removing my pants.
March 4, 2010
Did you know the guy from Entertainment Tonight wrote the original NBA on NBC song?! PHENOMENAL.
February 4, 2010
Um, what? No, keep watching the whole thing. Trust me, you want to see the part with the guy dressed in the Satanic sheep costume.
February 2, 2010
Silly Baptists, stolen black babies are for Madonna.
January 28, 2010
Are we sure he’s not mouthing, “I love you”?
January 26, 2010
Appeals Court Upholds Prison Ban of Dungeons & Dragons. In the words of a colleague, “This is what it would be like if prisons actually allowed D&D. Total mayhem.”
January 22, 2010
I blame this on Sandra Day O’Connor. That’s right, I said it!
January 20, 2010
“I’m Jana Sikdar. I’m from White Plains. I ride the subway.” No; it just doesn’t have the same ring.
January 19, 2010
How is this a headline? Was either candidate expected to fly?
January 18, 2010
True or false: James Cameron is starting to look like the fifth cast member of “The Golden Girls”.
January 17, 2010
If it’s a choice between being discriminated against in the “so-called marriage market” or looking like 2009 Sammy Sosa, then I have to go with…wait, those aren’t really the choices are they?
January 15, 2010
Facebook account: $0
Ratting out your brother: $0
Being a whore: $0
Your brother’s public and callous revenge: Priceless.
January 13, 2010
What are the chances it’s a weave and these parents are just looking to get picked up by TLC for a reality TV show?
January 8, 2010
I’m 50% sad to hear that Mama Biden passed away. And I’m 50% relieved that V.P. Joe did not use or misuse the word “literally” in his statement to the press.
January 6, 2010
“There is a scene in the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” in which Mary…” STOP RIGHT THERE! Just stop. You’re The New York Times. You should be ashamed of yourself. This “article” is a piece of tedious cultural-cud that I hate so much– Flames. Flames. Flames on the side of my face. Breathing–breathles–heaving… Add it to the list of materials that I’ll be forced to read, till my eyeballs bleed, on my long ride to Hell.
Happy and healthy 2010, everybody!
November 25, 2009
The Great Muppet “Bohemian Rhapsody” Cover. Shhhhhh! Just watch.
November 24, 2009
So that’s why he won the Peace Prize!
November 23, 2009
Steelers fan nabs spot on Michael Vick’s holiday card list.
November 12, 2009
Teaching children about H1N1 prevention.
November 10, 2009
I’m waiting for the news story where Al Gore sucker punches Joe Lieberman in the name of healthcare and decency.
November 5, 2009
The comment made at 12:02 PM says it all. Well played, UkraineNotWeak. Well played indeed.
November 3, 2009
I never would have thought of it this way.
November 2, 2009
Yeah, not so much…
October 30, 2009
Bedtime story for the kiddies!
October 28, 2009
See below.
October 27, 2009
The Phillies jokes just write themselves.
October 26, 2009
Flipping through my notebook I discovered a note I’d written to myself during a meeting on Friday afternoon. It reads, “My life is nowhere near as bad as I think it is in the moment.” Classic.
October 23, 2009
Douchey Ford-Truck-hawking Dennis Leary loses his nonexistent “tough guy cred” by looking like a complete Connecticut-sissy.
October 8, 2009
[11:23] XXXX XXXX: myspacebarisbrokensorry
Best message of the day. It made me laugh and laugh.
October 7, 2009
The future is so disappointing. Dashiell Bennett, I couldn’t agree more.
October 6, 2009
José Bové’s wet dream.
October 5, 2009
Bright spot in the dismal job market. To make the “highly qualified candidate” joke or not: that is the question.
September 30, 2009
Prepare to have your mind blown.
September 29, 2009
It boggles the mind. Don’t worry, girls are learning all the right lessons. As one commenter noted on the American Girl website, “I was rather disappointed by the lack of items for Gwen though.” *Sigh*
September 28, 2009
I barely had the patience to read this first scenario without wanting to rip the pencil out of Abigail’s hand and proceed without her. I’m sorry, Abigail, but you’re too slow. You’re white and blond. I’m sure something else will work out for you in life.
September 25, 2009
Why is it always the stories about Indians that make me cry? It’s like I’ve caught Jhumpa Lahiri syndrome or something.
September 24, 2009
“When I wrote about Richard Branson’s $25 million prize for figuring out how to remove carbon dioxide from the atmosphere–” I guess now is not the time to tell people that this is what trees do. They remove carbon dioxide from the atomsphere. Anyone? Anyone?
September 23, 2009
Muammar, you’re rambling.
September 22, 2009
“There’s a lot of moving parts and lots of ramifications, and we need to be very clear as to what the county’s obligations will be under this agreement,’ Ms. Martin said.” By which she meant, “Do we really have to let blacks and Hispanics live in Scarsdale? Really?!”
September 21, 2009
President Obama gave Mr. Paterson a half-embrace, then whispered into his ear for a few seconds, saying, “If you weren’t legally blind, I would flip you. I’d flip you for real.” Okay, I made that last part up.
September 20, 2009
Completely brilliant. I wish I wrote this well.
September 18, 2009
WTF? Are marshmallows only for white children?
September 17, 2009
Dimitri, call me!
September 16, 2009
This made me laugh till I wept, and then maybe snotted on myself. In other words, “***SWOON-BONER-SWOON!!!***”
September 15, 2009
POLL: Which is worse
A) losing your tongue completely, or
B) losing your tongue and having it replaced by a “vicious parasite”?
Send your vote to theindalianjob@gmail.com. The “it’s a matter of taste” joke has already been made, so spare me.
September 14, 2009
Priceless commentary. Drew Magary, you made me laugh out loud today. *Applause**Applause*
September 12, 2009
WOW. And I thought the bad weather made me cranky.
September 11, 2009
Right, because any time my parents threatened to pursue a formal resolution chastising me, I understood I was in deep trouble. Nancy, you’re Italian-American. Get the wooden spoon and beat his ass. This is so basic.
September 9, 2009
“But it may also be that under the right circumstances, the demon wins the heart of the most steadfast soul, and the nemesis always becomes a lover.” H.G. Bissinger, you’re not just talking about football. You’re talking about my life.
September 8, 2009
No big deal: My office mates and I do this anytime I send a really well worded email.
September 7, 2009
Today I’m whiter than my white sister-in-law. Just watched Melanie Oudin beat Nadia Petrova. Got a little choked up. Way to go Blondie.
September 4, 2009
Co-worker: Jana, you are totally tarento.
Jana: I’m going to try to take this as a compliment.
September 3, 2009
This man, and the work he does, is AMAZING.
September 2, 2009
If someone could help me in only 3 minutes, forget about hiring them, I’d propose to them.
August 31, 2009
Because there are moments and stories in this grand immigrant-American dream that are quiet, deep, and sad.
August 30, 2009
Can’t quit if you’ve never joined: Yet again, I prove to be ahead of my time.
August 28, 2009
IRONICALLY STOP THE PRESSES! 1) Which one was the megalomaniacal asshole — Noel or Liam? 2) Who knew they were still a band?
August 27, 2009
Total insanity.That being said, I would push my young children to participate in a triathlon if the three events were: silently judging, openly mocking, and intellectually dominating.
August 26, 2009
It’s like Million Dollar Baby meets Slumdog Millionaire. Someone get Mira Nair Danny Boyle and that Indian chick from E.R. on the phone immediately, immediately, immediately!
August 25, 2009
Reason #837 I should probably never get hitched.
August 23, 2009
You stay classy, Philadelphia.
August 22, 2009
First Hootie. Now Tone Lōc. Burger King, stop it. I beg you.
August 21, 2009
HONEYMOON SPOT!
August 20, 2009
This made me weep openly. No, seriously.
August 19, 2009
Point. Jack Cust.Well, there’s something I never thought I’d say.
August 18, 2009
“If zombies actually existed, an attack by them would lead to the collapse of civilisation unless dealt with quickly and aggressively.” I feel the same way about armed evangelical Christians. Except, armed evangelical Christians do exist.
August 17, 2009
This is one of the most coherent and compelling GOP arguments against health care reform to come out of the recent town hall meetings. Now who can argue with that?
August 16, 2009
Grab an Eagles jersey and your neighbor’s puppy! Michael Vick is on 60 Minutes tonight.
August 15, 2009
I’m doing my part to make this a gender-neutral phenomenon.
August 14, 2009
I feel for the guy. My private parts fall out of my pants all the time.
August 13, 2009
This evening The Philadelphia Eagles signed Michael Vick. Upon hearing the news, my Eagles-loving-sister-in-law exclaimed, “Oh great, now we’ll be the laughingstock of football!” To which BigBrother1 and I replied, “Going to be?”
August 12, 2009
And if by “health insurance”, Rick Pitino meant “rusty coat hanger”…
August 11, 2009
My sister-in-law peed on my brother today. Not the one she’s married to. The other brother. Oddly enough, this was a first for our family. And that’s saying something.
August 10, 2009
And the Sikdar family rejoices! Watch out rich white people. We’re coming for you.
August 9, 2009
This is a great story. Black and Indian families… **Heart flutter**
August 8, 2009
Unaware that not all wise Latinas are Mexican, Chief Justice Kennedy donned a sombrero. When told he would not be allowed to wear it for the swearing in, Roberts was forced to take his oath-cheat-sheet out from under the brim and hold it in his hands.
August 7, 2009
A homeless gentleman followed me for two blocks today, insisting that he liked me for me. The sentiment sort of made my day, but I couldn’t tell him that because I was playing hard to get. Obviously.
August 6, 2009
AHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now that’s just sad. Thank God I went to Yale.[This moment has been brought to you by Elitism.]
August 5, 2009
This afternoon a random woman accused me of being the reason why Mayor Bloomberg is shipping all the homeless families out of city. “YOU don’t want to have to see people like me,” she screamed! I was like, “Bitch, please. If you don’t want that one-way bus ticket, give it to me. I could use a long weekend in Florida.”
August 4, 2009
I’m going to have to say, “No; Preschool Depression is not real. It’s just bourgie.”
August 3, 2009
“There’s no possibility of it spreading,” said the official, who only provided his family name, Li. “We have already closed off the infected area. We are currently treating those who are sick.” Mr. Li added, “Have you seen the movie Outbreak? Yeah, we’re going the Morgan Freeman route on this one…”
July 31, 2009
I love how Vice President Biden was tagged in last minute just so Sgt. Crowley wouldn’t feel outnumbered by black dudes.
July 30, 2009
“But many people, and experts, praise the benefits of a siesta or a power snooze. Confessed nappers include Albert Einstein, Winston Churchill, Thomas Edison, Amit Sikdar and Presidents Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton.” Okay that’s not the exact quote. But…I’m so tired, Todd!!
July 29, 2009
Dude, you didn’t even get the racial slur right! *Sigh*
July 28, 2009
Well played, Mom. Well played indeed.
July 27, 2009
SWEETIE DAHLING!!!
July 26, 2009
[Jana rushes through the streets. She sends a text to preempt a scolding.]
Jana writes: I am not late. I am creatively on time.
Man replies: So colored…
July 24, 2009
Sources tell me that Rahm concluded the meeting by telling the Blue Dog Dems, “Now go home and get your FUCKIN’ SHINEBOX!”
July 23, 2009 - 5:30 PM
SUCK IT, CUBS FANS. All my love, Jana
July 23, 2009 - 12:30 PM
Heading to Tennessee for Happy Hour! Who’s with me?!
July 22, 2009
Apologies for falling behind on the doses. See my front door was jammed and when I went to jimmy the lock… Exactly.
July 20, 2009
Who says we’re not living in a post-racial America?! Um, probably this guy. Yeah, and this guy too. Does it ever stop being so fun to be colored in America? No; it doesn’t.
July 17, 2009
I never grew out of this phase. Only problem: more modest co-workers seem to frown upon my Pants Optional Fridays.
July 16, 2009
Two words: Whale booger.
July 15, 2009
NO!!!!In my mind Robert Redford promised to marry me! I’ve loved you since Sneakers. Out of Sidney Poitier, David Strathairn, River Phoenix, and Ben Kingsley…I chose you. I chose you.
July 14, 2009
For those who are visually inclined: Artist Dash Snow died yesterday at the age of 27. (For the record, I did not get down with his white privileged hipster alt-art aesthetic.) But the man took beautiful, arresting Polaroids that are worth a gander. Get past the nudity and drug use. Oh to be young, reckless…and dead.
July 13, 2009
It’s not okay. But are we really surprised? Really?
July 10, 2009
[Cue: Sikdar children receive a lovely, albeit rambling text message from their mother.]
Pause. Pause.
BigBrotherOne responds, “Is ur mother sending out drunk texts again at 11 am?”
Jana replies, “If dad wasn’t so busy trying not to drive off the road, I’d ask him to break her fingers.”
God I love my family.
July 9, 2009
I have such a crush on New York Times’ columnist Gail Collins. So smart. So funny. She lays the smackdown every. single. time.
July 8, 2009
If Steven Jobs wasn’t so busy creating an app to help him cheat death, I bet he’d be pissed about this article. New liver and all, he’s probably beating his assistant with an iPhone as we speak.
July 7, 2009
I almost made my boss’ boss cry today. I feel both proud and horrified.
July 3, 2009
In case you’re wondering: Yes; she’s carrying my baby.
July 2, 2009
Dear Person in the Next Cube: Yesterday we got the best horoscope ever. “Aquarius: You have more nerve than you do pride. Congratulations, this makes you officially the most popular person in the room because everyone wants to be around the rebellious, fun one.” MWAHAHAHAHA!!!
July 1, 2009
Truth be told, I only skimmed the article. But in answer to the headline’s question: No; because I’m fucking awesome.
June 30, 2009
I am so tired, it feels like I spent the weekend in a burlap sack being beaten mercilessly with rowboat oars. But while I’m napping on the job, my boy is busy throwing it down. *Applause!**Applause!*
June 26, 2009
I’m in Chicago to surprise my sister for her Birthday. I think there is a 50% chance that she’ll be so surprised that she’ll cry. I think there is also a 50% chance that she’ll be super colored, assume I’m a burglar who’s broken into her apartment, and come at me with a baseball bat. Either way…it’ll be exciting.
June 24, 2009
Spike Lee’s Do The Right Thing is 20 years old! 1) This is one of my favorite movies of all time. 1a) No seriously; it kind of changed my life. 2) If you score higher than me on this DTRT trivia challenge, you might be my soulmate. 3) Can I now throw a trashcan through a window? 3a) I know. I know. Probably not. 4) RADIO!!!!!!!
June 23, 2009
Earlier today I was at my desk stuffing fistfuls of candy into the rectum of a bull piñata . What can I say? I have a special gift for undermining my credibility at work.
June 19, 2009
I tried so hard to hit him head-on. But damn, vampires are fast.
June 18, 2009
If you’re wondering what to get me for Father’s Day, I want one of these.
June 17, 2009
I am a brown woman and I love the Red House. Shout out to BigBrotherOne for knowing that I would want to be best friends with the folks at the Red House. If you buy furniture anywhere else, I’m pretty sure you’re an enemy of freedom.
June 16, 2009
Someone needs to write a play about this woman immediately. I’m sorry but…”The police were called to a Y.M.C.A. in 2007 when she absconded with the sprinkles and syrups on a table where members were being served ice cream.” HA! [Double points for staff photog who made Cupcake Watchdog’s arm look fat in the picture.]
June 15, 2009
Not going to lie: This advertising campaign does not really inspire me to make my way to Ohio’s Columbus Zoo. Then again, at least it’s not confoundingly racist.
June 13, 2009
Someone call Robert Mugabe. I’m sure he’d love to help with the recount.
June 12, 2009
Listen to this. Close your eyes, sing along, and just try not to have your day get exponentially better. Seriously. Do it!
June 11, 2009
If they are trying to impress upon me the severity of the situation, perhaps they should run a photo of people dying, as opposed to a picture of absurdly adorable Asian babies. The headline means nothing to me. I see that photo and all I’m thinking is, “I want that!”
June 9, 2009
Heard my upstairs neighbor having sex last night. Note to self: First time you meet him, do not shake his hand with your vagina.
June 8, 2009
Jana: Where is my video portrait? Stop masturbating to it. And take that curtain cord off from around your balls and neck!
Mr. Microfinance: …I’m in Dubai where the masturbating while hanging oneself metaphor works for pretty much the entire city. What soulless wonder is this.
[Mr. Microfinance, you are brilliant.]
June 7, 2009
Don’t make travel plans after a night of drinking. You’ll arrive at your destination. It’ll just take way longer than necessary.
June 4, 2009
I texted: I’m all talked out. I miss not talking to you. Can’t wait to sit and not talk together soon.
The response: :X XOXOXO
And I replied: You have such a way with words.
Ain’t modern love grand?
June 2, 2009
Totally intrigued by Nicholas Kristof’s column last week. The real question is: Do I want to explore my morality? I laughed till I cried last night, talking about an elderly neighbor’s dead dog. Yeah, I might just leave that morality quiz for a later time.
June 1, 2009
My move this weekend revealed the following: 1) I own enough flannel to be cast as a “lumberjack”/wood sculpting artiste on the now defunct “The L Word” and, 2) my extensive Tupperware collection suggests that I am a neurotic mother of 3. I should look hard at my life and make some changes if I’m to avoid being featured on a “What Not to Wear”-type reality show 5 to 10 years from now. Or I could to meet a farmhand who shares my affinity for sealing leftovers in convenient airtight reusable storage containers and live happily ever after.
May 29, 2009
(Black) Off-Duty Officer Fatally Shot by (White) Police. (I’m just saying.) Even the police are scared of the police. Sigh.
May 27, 2009
Favorite line from last night’s dinner: So I got into an argument with my roommate, who’s studying conflict resolution…
May 26, 2009
My friend gave birth to an insanely GORGEOUS brown baby girl on Friday evening. My uterus wants to know if she can join Match.com without me. I told her I don’t think that’s how it works.
May 25, 2009
Is it still your “Birthday” if you’re dead? I’m just asking!
May 24, 2009
AHHHAHAHA!!! I love it when my friends are way WAY cooler than me. I was at this wedding. If it’s possible to imagine, these lovely ladies (and their love) were even more breathtaking in person.
May 23, 2009
Last night someone threw pebbles and called my name from below my open windows. I slept through the whole thing. I knew I shouldn’t have missed the first day of Princess Training classes!
May 22, 2009 - 5 PM:
Ursula Burns becomes the first African-American woman to run a company as large as Xerox. And there was much rejoicing! Who wants to see Burns challenge Parsons to a CEO-steel-cage-match? I DO! I DO!
May 22, 2009 - 2:30 PM:
I just don’t feel right thieving from my boy at The Buzz. So I’ll let him connect you to the goods. (DO IT.)
May 22, 2009 - 10 AM:
Not that people’s private lives are any or our business, but come on! You’re one of the most prominent Black businessmen in the country/the world. Don’t have a love child with your model-philanthropist mistress. Don’t! …Then again, white dudes do it all the time. I just don’t know. Sigh.
May 21, 2009 - 5:30 PM:
In other news: Man saves ducklings. Pulls at heartstrings. Makes me feel like I rape baby skulls for a living.
May 21, 2009 - 11 AM:
Is it ever really the right weather for a short sleeve turtleneck?
May 20, 2009 - 2 PM:
Bristol Palin says, “If girls realized the consequences of sex, nobody would be having sex. Trust me. Nobody.” Something tells me an endorsement deal from Trojan would change this girl’s tune right quick. [Must not make blowjob joke. Must not make blowjob joke.]
May 20, 2009 - 11:40 AM:
How much you want to bet Darwinius masillae was an antisemite?
May 19, 2009:
With the highly mediocre “reformatting” of The Buzz headlines over at TheRoot.com, today marks the end of an era. The Buzz headlines used to offer top-notch, fiercely intelligent hilarity that connected readers to engaging, diverse news items with a colored folks slant. My days will be lesser without the hearty chuckles and insightful stories that The Buzz delivered each day. “Booo!” to the new format. AND I CAN’T EVEN BLAME THIS ON THE MAN! Sigh.
May 18, 2009:
Except for the part about having unprotected sex with more than one partner, I think heteropaternal superfecundation is kind of amazing! If I start asking now, do we think Santa will bring me magic ovaries and a moral compass on the fritz for Christmas?
May 15, 2009:
Um, maybe we want to stop telling colored folks to “green the ghetto” and eat their vegetables? Just until we get this whole urban-gardens-riddled-with-obscene-levels-of-lead-thing sorted out. KKK spokesman to appear on Fox & Friends Monday to announce community garden initiatives in Harlem.
May 14, 2009:
Q&A portion of Nancy Pelosi’s press conference was a train wreck. Nancy basically said, “See when the C.I.A. said ‘waterboarding’ I thought they said, ‘trip to Disney World.’” And The Press responded, “Yeaaahhh…We’re going to have to ask you real questions now.”
May 13, 2009:
But now where will archconservative Senators and evangelical pastors go to solicit gay erotic massage services?! Uptick in wide stances in public restrooms likely.
May 12, 2009:
I’m thinking of starting a web campaign to lobby The “NewsHour” to hire me as the new correspondent who will read the day’s news summary and anchor daily Webcasts. Surely my name is already under serious consideration. What other candidate has sent Jim Lehrer a pair of her panties everyday since Jim’s heart surgery last year? Anderson Cooper put your hand DOWN!
May 11, 2009:
I attended two weddings this past weekend. I celebrated true love and lifelong commitment so thoroughly that I’m now inclined to have sex with a stranger in a public restroom. Just to even things out.
May 8, 2009:
Women didn’t do too well this week. Bristol Palin is “not quite sure” how to reconcile her own teenage pregnancy with her current cheerleading of abstinence education; Elizabeth Edwards has “no idea” if her cheating Ken doll of a husband fathered the alleged love child; and Oprah helped give away KFC chicken (but in real life, not a deleted scene from Undercover Brother). Oh Vagina, sometimes you make me so sad.
May 7, 2009:
I am almost confounded by this commercial. Almost. The part of my brain that’s not confused is enraged. EWWW the little girl from Slumdog Millionaire actually reaches out and adoringly caresses Nicole Kidman’s porcelain white skin. (Not okay!) I hate this almost as much as that fucking scene in Lagaan, when the stupid colonial white chick interrupts the soundtrack to sing about her love–founded solely upon her exoticization of the “native man”–in a sequence that entails her actually releasing white doves. AHHHHH!!! If I had a trash can handy, I’d throw it through the window of a pizzeria and incite a race riot.
May 6, 2009:
STOP IT! The depth of some people’s stupidity never ceases to amaze me. Someone put a condom over this girl’s head. It’s the only “100% foolproof way” we can prevent idiocy.
May 5, 2009:
Do you ever hear some people’s speaking voice and think, “I love you. But I can’t believe I’m friends with you”?
May 4, 2009:
If you’re the parent of a grown child, you only get five minutes to brag about your kid. After that you’re being self-indulgent, self-impressed, and besides, I’ve stopped listening. Unless your kid has recently been awarded a Nobel, a Pulitzer, or a MacArthur, I don’t really care. She’s living her life. That’s awesome. Now please, let’s go back to playing the quiet game.
May 3, 2009:
A family clinic around the corner from me is having a “Breastfeeding Fair”. Um, I…I really don’t even know what that means. But any of the possible scenarios make me giggle. A lot.
May 2, 2009:
Mrs. Meany, one of The Job’s finest commenters, has got a little Blandian (Black&Indian) baby on the way. I’m off to the baby shower. Though I usually hate stuff like this, I could not be more excited! (Yes; it’s because they are a mixed family.) Obviously, future mini-Meany and my hypothetical brown babies will one day join forces and rule the world. Get ready, World! I imagine it’ll be something like The Matrix’s Zion, except replace the computers with the Chinese and disinvite Keanu Reeves.
May 1, 2009:
A stranger just yelled at me via email. Bitch, please… I’d love to say that I used my quick wit and way with words to reach through the computer and smack back with a pithy zing of a reply. Alas, the incident just made my stomach knot up and chest feel all tight. Ewww, I hate being reprimanded. Under my scaly, sarcastic exterior I’m remarkably delicate and sensitive. …AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! OOOOOO…oooo…that’s a good one. In truth I’m voodoo dolling this person as we speak. Don’t be rude to me. You don’t know me. And trust me, you’ll lose.
April 30, 2009:
“As you can see in this incredible clip, Willow predicted the Swine Flu outbreak (and some might argue the later stages of Val Kilmer’s career) more than 20 years ago. Look, all I’m saying is that if a few babies had to die in order to make Willow references timely again, so be it.” I love when people are funnier than me. Love it!
April 29, 2009:
Arlen Specter, do us all a favor and shoot that horse you just abandoned midstream. SHOOT IT! [Cue: Maniacal laughter.]
April 28, 2009:
I’m stricken with a horrible cold and heinous bout of springtime allergies. (AKA: Swine flu.) Last night I bought a box of 60 Contac Cold+Flu tablets and a bottle of TheraFlu, in an attempt to remedy the situation. I did my best to smile a lot at the cashier, lest he think that I was planning a Bell Jar themed Monday night Happy Hour.
April 27, 2009:
Dude at the bank this morning looked like Quentin Tarantino. If I looked like Quentin, but wasn’t Quentin, I think I’d feel sad about my life.
April 26, 2009:
After three days without internet or The New York Times this whole Swine Flu crisis is news to me. So why the hell am I watching the finale of For the Love of Ray J?! Must stop watching. Brain cells being slaughtered.
April 25, 2009:
Day three of chilling with The Poppi in Vero Beach, Florida. It’s like a perpetual spring break down here, except the screwdrivers are mixed with Citrucel and the prescription drugs more copious.
April 24, 2009:
I think some Women and Gender Studies part of me should find this website problematic. But I don’t. I actually think it’s hilarious.
April 23, 2009:
Yesterday was Earth Day and I took a taxi by myself and flew in a plane. As my green-karma was already shot, upon arriving in Florida, I immediately harpooned a baby manatee.
April 22, 2009:
A Korean woman stole my eyebrows last night. One second they were there, in all their Gallagher-esque Indalian glory, and the next thing I know I look like a Filipino transvestite. I can’t even be upset with the woman because she was probably a heart surgeon back in the homeland and now she spends the majority of her day surrounded by toxic chemicals. Damn you, immigrant-solidarity!
April 21, 2009:
After I was done speaking, my shrink took a deep breath and said, “There is a palpable sadness about you.” And I said, “I know.” And he replied, “Not just about the future. But right now. There is a great sadness right now.” And I said, “I know. Why do you think I’m funny?” And his eyes went wide and we sat in awkward silence. “I’m going to have to think about that,” he finally offered. And I thought, “Yeah, you do that.”
April 20, 2009:
*SNAP! *SNAP!* That is the sound of someone clipping their nails on the train. It is fucking disgusting! It’s not okay to cut your nails in a public place. Even if you are elderly, it’s still not okay. The same goes for makeup application and hair brushing that exceeds ten brush strokes. Next person I see using mass transit like it’s your own personal MacDonald’s bathroom, I’m fighting you. (Okay, I’m not that tough. But I wish I were. That shit’s gross, son.)
April 19, 2009:
The Modern Love column of the New York Times has been total crap for the last couple of months. Today it redeemed itself with a beautiful column that talks about both The Wire and interracial love. DOUBLE SWOON. No; the column didn’t make me cry!But maybe ma chtroat got a little tight while reading.
April 18, 2009:
The Times of London called the French President a “bitchy little princess” in response to Sarkozy’s wild smack talking of his foreign counterparts. That’s so awesome of The Times, that for one day only, I am going to not be mad about colonialism.
April 17, 2009:
Yesterday I watched Susan Boyle sing and wept openly. For the record, so did my Dad.
April 16, 2009:
A woman on the subway offered me her seat this morning. At first I thought, “That is so random and nice of her!” Then I thought, “Huh…Why would she do that?” Finally I felt uncomfortable when I wondered, “Does she think I’m with child? Because I’m not.” Note to self: Stop wearing gigantic flannel shirts that potentially make you look pregnant. OR Try to stop being all glowy and radiantly fertile looking while riding mass transit.
April 15, 2009:
I don’t even own a Mac, but I do so love when people rag on PCs.
April 14, 2009:
The voice of the train conductor leads me to believe that Stephen Baldwin is behind the controls of this F train. What’s the chance that Fenster’s up there with him?
